Monday, March 03, 2008

Yes, I been avoiding you

It's been life. Well the ending of one.
My mother died.
It hit me harder than I thought it would, mostly relieved, but still sad.
It happened Feb 11, so not too long ago, and exactly one year to the date of her stroke.
Her life was so sad, she was miserable for as long as I can remember; just waiting for someone to take responsibility for her life and make her happy.
Between us it had come to the point where I had to choose between her and me (and my family), I had someone else appointed her guardian, and she was about to be moved into a 'home'.
It was a good time for her to be done, and I think she had some choice.
I did send up a word thanking her for giving my life back.

That's where I've been.

16 Comments:

Anonymous Anne said...

I'm sitting here trying to come up with the perfect thing to say and I can't. I want to say something to acknowledge your words and feelings but apparently this is the best I can do.

12:35 PM  
Anonymous Riin said...

You have my sympathy, for all of it.

2:07 PM  
Anonymous Cara said...

I'm so sorry. I hope you're all at peace now.

4:39 PM  
Anonymous Kat said...

I am so sorry. I'd give you a big hug if I was there. But, I am here so I will just say this... I am here in the silence with you.

4:57 PM  
Anonymous regina said...

You're in my thoughts in a big, huge way. It's all so complicated, isn't it? Sending sympathy, empathy and love your way.

5:07 PM  
Anonymous Emma said...

Such hard times to go through. All those complex feelings thrown up by a difficult mother daughter relationship.
It was a good time for her and for you. Try not to feel any guilt about putting yourself and your family first. It is so sad that your mother wasn't able to see and grasp the joy in life. You can.
It's so hard to express my support and love, and empathy, for you, a person I don't ''know''.
Condolences and sympathy don't seem adequate.
I'll shut up now !

xxx

5:20 PM  
Blogger standing still said...

My deepest, deepest sympathy. I remember her chair in your family room in T-town ... where she would watch television ... and she had a nail file, and some nail polish, and a beverage (was it diet Pepper?), and hand cream and dental floos ... which I thought was really cool for some reason ... everything within reach. And,she'd yell at us (often for good reason, because we were BAD)... And I remember she was funny. At least to me. You complained about her as much as I complained about Ceil, but your Mom made me laugh in a way that only someone who is a friend's mother and not your own could make a teenager laugh.

Lean on your hubby, lean on your friends. Pay attention to the stages of grief, and give yourself plenty of time ... I'm coming up on three years without Ceil, and just this past month I was weeping in a way I never anticipated. Some days are just like that.

10:18 PM  
OpenID stellamarys said...

You don't know me at all, but I wrote to you a year ago commenting that we must secretly be sisters since we seemed to have the same mother. Mine, however, is still going strong (in our home) at 93, still mean, still miserable, still spoiling every life she touches. I'm sure it's hard to not feel guilty that you're glad in a way that your mother is gone - so complicated, especially when you don't want to "infect" your own children with whatever the miasma was that your mother brought to your life. You have my sympathy. Mary K. in Rockport

8:13 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

:-(

3:42 PM  
Blogger SusieH said...

My sympathies to you. My own mother died last year - it will be one year on March 29th. Our relationship was a strong and loving one, but I have friend who struggled to love their mothers, who still were hit by a ton of bricks at their deaths. Be gentle to yourself, and as someone here commented, pay attention to the stages of grief. They do happen, and I'm so sorry you are going through this time.

3:47 PM  
Blogger Lady_of_Lorien said...

I am sorry to read about your loss. I wish you all the strength you'll need for the months to come

Sanne

4:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Part of the awful thing about death to me is the loss of opportunities. I lost my mom almost 2 years ago, we had a good relationship and still I cry over the things we can't talk about or do, it is always a loss - it is always hard. Time, family and good friend have helped me - I hope the same for you.

6:33 PM  
Blogger Jeanne said...

Oh, I'm so sorry--about everything. Please accept my deepest condolences.

8:40 PM  
Blogger Morgan said...

My deepest sympathies. Having lost my father last year I do understand. Having to make those hard decisions can be very difficult. Please know that you are in my thoughts ....

9:23 PM  
Blogger ColorJoy LynnH said...

Wow... remember to nurture yourself. Whatever that means for you, it's important.

I remember the loss of my first marriage. I cried for 4 months, but not for what I'd lost. That part I'd already grieved.

I cried for what could have been, and for my humanness, my inability to fix some things beyond my power as one frail human. Powerlessness is perhaps my most dreaded feeling, yet it's part of the ups and downs of every life.

You will have your own journey, but there is no easy way to lose a parent. Close, distant, conflicted... no matter the relationship, there is always some regret that can no longer be repaired.

Sharing is helpful to the mourning process. Thanks for letting us support you in some small way.

Do whatever you can to be gentle with yourself for however long it takes.

Lynnie

12:03 AM  
Blogger jacquieblackman said...

:hugs:

11:27 AM  

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