Is anyone else this neurotic?
Feeling stressed and overwhelmed with deadlines, missed deadlines, impending deadlines, how I'm ruining my children with my sub par parenting skills...
Was up between 1-3 am making lists of everything I did wrong last week and need to do better, really important 2 am things like:
I burned a pan of muffins ( call social services!),
I haven't started checking into preschools for Henry,
am I ruining Isobel by letting her compete in gymnastics?
do I really want to keep designing and knitting against deadlines?
does everyone feel like they do everything half assed?
and I have 10 books checked out from the library that I really want to read but don't have the time to & they are sitting on my nightstand ticking like the crocodile in Peter Pan.
oy.
p.s. I took all the library books back this morning
Was up between 1-3 am making lists of everything I did wrong last week and need to do better, really important 2 am things like:
I burned a pan of muffins ( call social services!),
I haven't started checking into preschools for Henry,
am I ruining Isobel by letting her compete in gymnastics?
do I really want to keep designing and knitting against deadlines?
does everyone feel like they do everything half assed?
and I have 10 books checked out from the library that I really want to read but don't have the time to & they are sitting on my nightstand ticking like the crocodile in Peter Pan.
oy.
p.s. I took all the library books back this morning
posted by jillian at
9:59 AM
14 Comments:
In a word, yes.
I've fallen victim to halfassery lately, too. And to partially cope, I was awake between 3:00 and 5:30 a.m. Sunday morning reading / panicking about avian flu to have something to direct all my fears towards...
I'm here if you need me. If anything, we can wallow together a bit. I stand firm in my opinion we need to get a cabin in the wilderness and run away from home for a weekend. Kidnap Amy. I'll bring Heather and chocolate and booze.
You sound like me. I'm totally neurotic to the point that I looked at the 50 kilos of silk that I hand painted for the show this weekend and haven't slept for 2 nights worrying that there aren't enough pastel colours included. I have lists of lists and regularly beat myself up for the hour of TV I allow (no insist upon) from 5 - 6 to give me chance to cook dinner.
Its like nothing I ever do is good enough for me. Odd aren't we?
I like burned things, or so I tell the kids. They think the smoke detector siren means cookies are ready, seriously, they do.
I'm too tired to be up in the middle of the night worrying. I save that for while I'm awake between 6am and midnight.
1. this lecture is going to be shitty because I left it to the last minute
2. must courier job application so it arrives on time, do not leave next one so late
3. must call a, b and c.
4. Fuck I have a ton of marking to do
5. I am a horrible mother, kids are very needy because they sense stress resulting from work, fact I work after dinner, weekends etc.
6. I wonder if I will ever cook another meal or bake cookies or other mom things
7. when I go to Rhinebeck (something for ME) will the result be that I am more stressed next week because I didn't work on the weekend?
8. How do I find another job that doesn't have me working so much.
So no, you're in good company. When the revolution starts that will free us from this insanity, please let me know so I can slot it in on my Palm.
Wait a minute, you made a list of things you did wrong? Girlfriend, I'm making you a list of the things you did RIGHT last week (that I know about and I'm sure there are many more):
1. Talked me down from my microeconomics ledge.
2. Enjoyed yourself at the spinner's meeting - good company, mostly good food (ignore the pumpking ginger cool-aid).
3. Lamb kofta.
Isobel likes gymnastics! Wouldn't she tell you if she didn't want to do it??
Your children are gorgeous, well-fed, amazing human beings. YOU are an amazing human being.
Loose the lists...just breathe...and stop beating yourself up.
Oh dear, I didn't know you could make lists of all the things you did wrong! That's a new one on me. Lists of all the things yet to be finished, all the things I will do one did if..., all the things I must not forget. Now those lists I know about. Please don't tell me I have to add another list of things I did wrong. Not going to go there for my sanity's sake :) LOL
Oh Man, you should see some of my lists! Sometimes I get so listed out that I end up more or less immobile on the couch while my son watches TV. Now there's something else to add to the list of bad parenting! Hmm. At least he knows I love him, and I get the impression he loves me back... as much as a 2 year-old can. Thankfully, that's lots!
Your Henry is 2 days older than my Evan. Aren't they awesome?? I wouldn't worry about school and gymnastics. Isobel will let you know if it's not good for her, and Henry will do just fine. Maybe even in spite of your parenting! ;) Chin up. At least the library books are back...
Congratulations on the book. being a 'big girl' myself, i'm interested to see what the book has to offer.
It's not just you. I only have one kid and no job, but I'm feeling half assed all the time. My house is a mess, the fridge stinks, the garbage is always full, the yard is full of weeds and I have to put in some landscaping in the back yard to make the money I paid to the guys who dug out the ugly shrubs and decades-old sod worthwhile. I can't afford the flagstone I was planning to put in because inflation just took an enormous bite out of my ass in the form of heating bills and car maintenance. And my DH makes good money! Who ever said six figures is rich didn't live in an old house in Seattle. I haven't designed any new knits since spring (you know the last one well). I just can't get started. Every design out there is either hideous or exactly what I sketched last week. I wake up at night and can't get back to sleep. I don't know what is the problem. Maybe I just need to turn off CNN. I have got to stop buying yarn and wool.
A long time ago (I think my son was 7; now he's 19), I was wringing my hands, asking a friend, "but what if I fuck him up?" He laughed and said, "It not a question of whether you'll fuck him up, but of how much!" I found it strangely comforting. You?
P.S. I have had a $180 library fine. I had about 20 books for a few months. I kid you not. They didn't tick loud enough.
I do things 1/4-arsed.
Hi jillian,
Having a child with special needs means that parenting is always a challenge. So I’ve been searching the net for tips on parenting forums . Along the way I first came across some interesting articles on parenting forums , and then I found your post on Is anyone else this neurotic?. It has been interesting to see what you have here. It has certainly got me thinking about some things. Thanks for some thought provoking stuff.
Hello jillian,
Hunting all over the web for information on parenting tips for ages and then ... I stumble across your blog. Good to read different perspectives on parenting.
I have enjoyed reading Is anyone else this neurotic?. Your thoughts and ideas have also energized me to continue looking for different perspectives on parenting tips for some college coursework. Thanks.
Have a great day.
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